How to Save a Marriage: Top 10 Expert Tips From a Seasoned Couples Counsellor
Nobody talks about the day after ‘Happily Ever After’ in marriage; it's not perfect like a fairytale. Marriage is full of ups and downs, requiring constant effort and commitment. Over time, the initial spark between couples can dwindle, potentially leading to marital issues, separation, and sometimes, even divorce.
Yet, there is hope. By working together and committing to the relationship, both partners can mend the broken bonds and reignite the flame of love. Stay connected with us to discover ways to save your marriage and create a happy and fulfilling life together.
What Are The Signs Of an Unhappy Marriage?
Some of the common signs of an unhappy marriage are:
- Limited to no intimacy
- Continuous communication problems, including stonewalling, frequent arguments, and silent treatments
- Emotional and physical withdrawal
- Incompatibility
- Adultery, abuse, or addiction
- Irritation with everything you do
- Unresolved conflicts
- Lack of trust, support, and affection
- Frequent thoughts of leaving
Understanding Common Marital Problems
Some of the common marital problems include:
1. Communication Breakdown
Communication is the foundation of any thriving relationship. Couples who don't communicate well cannot resolve any issues together, resulting in misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance. The inability to communicate effectively can turn a simple problem-solving attempt into a heated argument, eroding your love and respect for each other.
2. Financial Struggles
Money matters can be a major source of tension in marriages. For instance, disagreements about spending habits, debt, and financial goals can result in a heated argument. And if that's not enough, financial infidelity, such as hiding debts or spending secrets, can further break the trust and bond between partners.
3. Infidelity
When your partner, who vowed to remain faithful to you for the rest of your life, cheats on you, it can be hard to digest. Infidelity, emotional or physical, shatters the trust and love you have built for years in an instant. Recovering broken relationships due to infidelity is a harder task; it requires significant effort and commitment to mend broken bonds.
4. Differing Life Goals
Couples can have different life goals regarding career, family planning, or lifestyle preferences. This disparity can lead to tension and resentment if partners feel their needs and aspirations are not valued. The marriage is doomed unless everyone is ready to compromise or find common ground.
5. Differences in Parenting Styles
Parenting can be a challenging and rewarding experience and a source of conflict and argument. Both parents might have divergent approaches to education, discipline, or decision-making regarding children. It might result in an argument when they cannot find common ground, eventually straining the marriage.
6. Lack of Intimacy
Emotional and physical intimacy are the glue that holds your marriage. When it's gone, serious relationship issues can arise. As intimacy fades, it can irreparably damage the relationship, ultimately paving the path for divorce.
Top 10 Tips from A Marriage Counsellor
Even the happiest and healthiest relationship can hit a rough patch. Time can bring down even the strongest relationship. But, there is still a glimmer of hope to reignite the love that is burning out. All you need is the right dedication and commitment to reconcile the relationship from both sides.
Here are the top 10 curated tips from marriage counsellors.
1. Prioritise Open and Consistent Communication
Communication is key to a healthy relationship; words can mend or break your marriage. When you openly and consistently communicate with your partner, you can comprehend the root cause of the issue, which can clear out any misunderstandings and resentments. Rather than keeping whatever is bothering you to yourself, say that out loud to your partner. Sometimes, forever hangs on the words you say.
2. Embrace Honesty and Transparency
Nothing is more beautiful than having a partner who knows you inside out, where you can let your guard down and be yourself without fearing judgement. Being honest and transparent allows your significant other to love you for who you are. If you choose dishonestly over honestly, you're robbing your partner of a chance to get to know the real you, and it's suffocating to be in a relationship where you have to hide your truest self.
3. Show Appreciation and Gratitude
After years of being in a relationship, it's natural for the spark to fade gradually; with time, you may take each other for granted. Similar to how we need to nurture the flower to bloom brighter, we must also take care of our relationship. Write sweet notes, say a simple 'Thank you,' or give a small gift. Little gestures like these speak volumes about how much you appreciate your partner. Therefore, constant appreciation and gratitude pave the way for the forever that you promised.
4. Schedule Regular Date Nights
Usually, the frequency of date nights is higher in the initial stage of dating, but as the relationship progresses, it slows down and comes to a halt. Working on every relationship aspect is essential to keep the spark alive. So, regularly plan spontaneous date nights with your other half to reminisce about the early days together and why you both fell in love.
5. Learn Each Other's Love Language
Everyone has a different way of expressing their love, and understanding it helps recognise and appreciate their efforts to love you. Dr Gary Chapman, a renowned marriage counsellor, described the 5 love languages in his book: physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality times, and acts of service. These languages serve as ways for people to accept and express love in the relationship. Therefore, observe the form of love language your partner prefers and try to express love in a way that resonates with your partner.
6. Manage Conflicts Constructively
Conflicts are an inherent part of the relationship, but how you handle them is what counts. While addressing conflict, set aside your differences and approach the discussion calmly and respectfully. Opt for fair and constructive communication instead of resorting to personal attacks when opinions differ. Moreover, be cautious with the choice of words and refrain from exploiting their vulnerability; doing so can irreparably damage the relationship.
7. Engage in Shared Interests and Activities
Although people often say that ‘opposites attract’, finding common shared interests or hobbies is equally important. Usually, partners with similar interests connect more easily, fostering a better understanding. Even if you have only been together briefly, you can learn a lot about each other by exploring mutual interests and engaging in activities together.
8. Develop a Shared Vision for the Future
Every couple should have a vision of what they want in their marriage and family and set out a plan to make those dreams a reality. When a couple has a shared vision and works together to make it happen, they can create a fulfilling life.
9. Practice Forgiveness and Patience
Mistakes are an inevitable part of any relationship. Forgiving and letting go of the grudge you've been holding is essential to repairing your marriage. It doesn't mean you condone wrongdoing; it's about letting go of resentment and moving forward. Nobody is perfect, so we must forgive each other's shortcomings and patiently approach the situation. If you can forgive and ask for forgiveness, it will positively impact the longevity of the marriage.
10. Seek Marriage Counselling
At a point where continuous efforts seem futile, and a marriage appears on the brink of divorce, there is still one last hope.
Marriage counselling, also known as couple's therapy, can be a transformative step towards healing your broken marriage. A skilled marriage therapist can guide you through the intricacies of the relationship, help you overcome challenges, and create a path for you to move forward.
The Role of Counselling and Therapy in Saving a Marriage
Marriage counselling and therapy have numerous benefits, providing a fresh perspective to view relationships objectively. The therapist helps identify and address the problematic patterns and reasons behind each other's actions and looks for potential solutions to their problems. Detecting underlying issues early and teaching communication skills in the initial stages yields better outcomes in marriage counselling.
Benefits of Couples Counselling
Some benefits of couples counselling include:
1. Enhanced Communication Skills
Miscommunication can ruin relationships; only some know how to express their thoughts or emotions clearly. Therapists can help improve communication skills between partners so they can express concerns or emotions more effectively and productively.
2. Addressing Unresolved Concerns
Marriage counselling is like untangling a knot. Initially, it may seem challenging and uncomfortable, but the partners experience relief and clarity as the knot unravels. The therapist plays an important role in tackling a sensitive subject like infidelity or sexual issues, which couples find difficult to discuss openly.
3. Ability to Resolve Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but knowing how to handle and solve disagreement is key to a healthy and lasting relationship. Resentment can build over time if couples cannot move past the issue. However, therapists can help you and your partner develop more beneficial ways to communicate and resolve the issue.
4. Identifying Underlying Issues
Mostly, we fixate on superficial issues, but the real problems run deeper than that. The therapist gets to the core of the issues and finds the reason behind the fight, resentment, or anger. Sometimes, those underlying issues are emotional baggage, past trauma, or unresolved conflicts.
5. Strengthening Intimacy
Intimacy is a common problem in relationships, especially when couples have been together for a long time; it may feel like the spark is gone. Couples counselling can help reignite that passion and spark and help find ways to keep it going.
6. Creates a Safe Space
Couples counselling provides a secure environment for open and honest communication. With clearly defined boundaries and a neutral therapist who refrains from taking sides, it offers a fresh perspective that encourages both partners to express themselves freely.
Finding the Right Counsellor
Finding the right counsellor is important in getting the most out of couples therapy. Here are some factors to consider when selecting a counsellor:
- Inquire about their specialised therapy approach.
- Verify that they have the required credentials and licensure for practice.
- Seek recommendations from others.
- Check their availability, cost, and location.
Psychology Blossom is Here to Help
If considering divorce, we strongly recommend seeking professional help before making a final decision. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength in creating a better future for you and your partner.
Couples Therapy in Singapore at Psychology Blossom offers in-person and online counselling in a safe and confidential environment where couples can express their concerns and feelings clearly. Our team of psychologists and counsellors are here to help you manoeuvre the complexities of marriage and reignite the spark.
Additional Questions & Queries
How to save your marriage when it seems impossible?
When your marriage seems impossible, get to the underlying cause of your problems. They could be communication, personal differences, financial strain, or intimacy issues. Although the challenges you're facing might seem impossible to fix, there is still hope to overcome them with routine efforts and active participation from both sides. Also, seeking a marriage therapist might tune the strings of your marriage.
When is it too late to save a marriage?
Firstly, saving a marriage is always possible, though it may take much effort. You can turn things around if you both put in constant effort. Seek help, if necessary, talk about underlying issues, and work on rebuilding trust and intimacy. The path may not be easier, but it's worth a shot to save your marriage. However, if there is physical and emotional abuse in the marriage, it's better to bid farewell than continue to harm your well-being by staying.
How to save a marriage from divorce?
Marriage is not an easy ship to steer, but if it's heading towards divorce, the last thing you want to do is give in to your despair. Make every possible effort and commitment to save your marriage; only then can you rediscover the love and connection you shared. If nothing seems to work, seek a therapist. They can help you to show you the right direction and teach or fine-tune the skills necessary to revive the spark in your marriage.
How to change myself to save my marriage?
To initiate positive change in your marriage, take the lead by implementing the following actions:
- Enhance your communication skills.
- Embrace your partner's flaws instead of fixating on imperfections.
- Express appreciation for little things.
- Refrain from criticising, attacking, or harbouring resentment or grudges against your partner.
- Prioritise your partner's needs.
- Learn to celebrate your partner's success.
- Practice honesty and strive to empathise with your partner.
Conclusion
Saving a marriage is undoubtedly the most challenging journey, but with dedication and commitment, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem like the easier path to walk away, but before you do, give it one last shot to rediscover the spark that brought you together in the first place. Remember, once you file for divorce, there is no way back, so fight for love one last time before you give up. You never know; it might just be your best decision ever.