Gottman Couples Therapy (GCT): Skills to Deepen Connection and Defuse Conflict
Gottman Couples Therapy (GCT), also known as the Gottman Method, is a form of therapeutic intervention which aims to bring couples towards intimacy and understanding. Gottman Couples Therapy was created by John and Julie Gottman after almost 40 years of researching different relationship patterns. They found that couples in unhealthy relationships often do not make the effort to consciously focus on fondness and admiration for one another but rather only on negative traits.
GCT works under the assumption that hostility and distance can harm a relationship much more than we realize they can. In turn, we are unaware of how much we are actually self-destructing our relationships. According to the Gottmans there are two types of problems – perpetual and solvable – and most couples experience perpetual problems. Therefore it is extremely important we learn the right skills to deal with these problems as they come up.
The Gottman Method is based on the Sound Relationship House Theory which was developed by the Gottmans as well. Based on their research, they found nine components of a healthy relationship they incorporated into their therapy.
- Build love maps: Show how well you know and understand your partner’s inner thoughts and feelings
- Share fondness rather than contempt: Try to focus on the positive aspects of your partner rather than the negative ones
- Turn towards instead of away: Remember to respond to your partner when they make attempts to communicate with you
- Maintain a positive perspective: Try to actively engage in problem solving
- Manage conflict: Most conflicts cannot be fully resolved but we should develop the skills to handle them as they arise.
- Make life dreams come true: Understand your partner’s goals and dreams so you can help them realize them.
- Create shared meaning: Understand where your relationships lie in the bigger picture, what the true meaning behind it is.
- Trust: This occurs only when you are secure that your partner is looking out for your best interests
- Commitment: We have to understand that the journey with our partners is lifelong and may not always be good times. You must stand by your partner through the ups and downs of life.
Why Perpetual Problems Matter (and What to Do About Them with Gottman Couples Therapy)
In GCT, perpetual problems are enduring differences in personality, temperament, or values (for example, spontaneity vs. planning; need for solitude vs. need for togetherness). The goal is not to “win” or eradicate the difference; it is to understand the underlying dreams and needs, keep the conversation gentle and curious, and co-create workable compromises that respect both people. Solvable problems tend to be situation-specific and benefit from clear requests, timelines, and division of responsibilities.
A helpful mindset shift: Instead of asking “How do we fix you?”, ask “How do we, as a team, handle this difference with care so both of us feel seen and respected?”
Deepening the Sound Relationship House: Practical Micro-Skills
Build Love Maps
Keep a running, updated “map” of your partner’s inner world—stressors, joys, worries, current priorities, and the people who matter. Try a 10-minute check-in a few times a week with questions like: “What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?” “What’s weighing on you?” “Who helped you today?” Small details add up to big feelings of being known.
Share Fondness and Admiration
Deliberately notice and name what you appreciate. Aim for a daily, specific appreciation: “Thank you for handling bedtime when my meeting ran late,” or “I love how you make our home feel warm on weekends.” Fondness statements buffer stress and make conflict gentler.
Turn Towards Bids
Partners constantly make tiny “bids” for attention or connection (a sigh, a meme, “look at that sunset”). Turning toward can be as simple as eye contact, a nod, or a brief comment. Repeated turning toward builds trust that “you are there for me,” especially during busy seasons.
Maintain a Positive Perspective
Assume good intent when something is ambiguous. Rather than “You ignored my message,” try “I’m guessing you were swamped—can we set a time to talk this evening?” Positive perspective doesn’t mean ignoring problems; it means approaching them as allies, not adversaries.
Make Life Dreams Come True
Explore the “why” beneath positions. If one partner wants to move and the other wants to stay, what deeper dreams are attached (adventure, roots, finances, family)? Naming the dream opens paths for creative compromises that honour both.
Create Shared Meaning
Shared rituals (Friday dinners, monthly walks), roles (how we show care), and stories (“We are a team who faces challenges together”) give couples a sense of “us.” These are especially stabilising during transitions (new baby, caregiving, job change).
Managing Conflict: From Gridlock to Dialogue
Gottman Couples Therapy offers clear tools to keep hard conversations constructive and safe. Here are cornerstone skills you will practise:
- Gentle start-up: Begin with “I feel…about… and I need/request…” instead of blame. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Could we agree on a plan for tonight and most weeknights?”
- Repair attempts: Small phrases and gestures that slow escalation—“Can we start over?”, “I’m getting flooded,” a touch on the arm, a sigh and smile. Practise recognising and accepting repairs quickly.
- De-escalation and self-soothing: Learn to spot signs of overwhelm (fast heart rate, tight jaw). Take a 20–30 minute break with zero ruminating—walk, shower, breathe—then return at a specific time.
- Accepting influence: Especially protective against stalemates. Look for the 1–2 points you can sincerely agree with, even if you see other parts differently.
- Compromise with core needs protected: Identify the non-negotiables for each of you, then brainstorm flexible areas around them.
The Four Horsemen (and Their Antidotes)
Many couples slip into four corrosive patterns during stress. Naming them makes it easier to choose healthier alternatives:
-
Criticism → Antidote: Gentle start-up
From “You always…” to “I feel… about… and I need…” -
Contempt → Antidote: Culture of appreciation
Replace sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mockery with specific gratitude and respect. -
Defensiveness → Antidote: Take responsibility
Find any piece you can own: “You’re right, I forgot to message. I’ll set a reminder.” -
Stonewalling → Antidote: Self-soothing
Pause before shut-down. Say, “I’m flooded—can we take 25 minutes and try again at 8:30?”
Goals for GCT
- Disarm verbal conflict
- Increase intimacy and affection
- Build empathy and understanding
Techniques used in GCT
✽ Improving relationship:
Building love maps
- Knowing and remembering little things about your partner (e.g. his/her favourite food, TV show)
Learning how to soothe yourself and your partner psychologically
- E.g. Playing with a pet, writing about your feelings or going for a walk
Switching to a positive perspective
- When your partner does or say something ambiguous, trust that there are good motives behind it
- E.g. You feel unappreciated when your partner does not buy things for you, but your partner may be saving up for your future together.
✽ Conflict management
Breathing exercises
- Deep breaths while lying down or on a chair
Mindfulness exercises
Learning how to de-escalate
- Unflood emotionally
- Know when to step away from the disagreement
✽ Replacing negative conflict patterns with positive ones
Avoiding harsh start-ups to a discussion
- Understand the situation
- Consider good intentions of your partner
Expressing your opinion without judgement or blame
- Using “I” statements instead of “You” statements
- E.g. “I feel upset and unsupported when the laundry is not done at the end of the day.”
- E.g. “I am frustrated that plans to do this were not discussed with me.”
Rituals and Habits That Strengthen Connection
- Daily stress-reducing conversation (15 minutes): Talk about the day’s events with the goal of understanding, not fixing. Ask, “Do you want comfort or solutions?”
- Weekly “State of the Union” (30–45 minutes): Appreciate three things, discuss one area to improve using gentle start-up, agree on one small action for the week.
- Rituals of connection: Morning goodbyes, evening reunions, mealtime questions, weekend walks—predictable touchpoints matter more than grand gestures.
The Therapeutic Process
✽ Assessment by the Therapist
- Initial session to understand the problem
- Completion of Gottman Questionnaire individually
- Separate sessions for you and your partner with the therapist
- Conjoint session to finalise goals and feedback on the questionnaire
- Agreement on frequency of therapy and overall duration of treatment
✽ Therapeutic interventions
- Learning techniques and strategies to strengthen relationship
- Practice tips on conflict management
- Opportunities to understand your partner and yourself to strengthen the foundation of the relationship
Examples of Skill-Building in Session
Your therapist may guide a short “love maps” game, coach a gentle start-up, or pause a conversation to highlight a missed repair attempt. You will practise time-outs that actually work (naming a return time), accept influence without capitulating, and convert gridlocked topics into dialogues about values and dreams. Between sessions, you will try small, specific experiments (for example, one appreciative text daily, a 20-minute planning huddle on Sundays).
Inclusivity and Cultural Sensitivity
GCT principles apply across life stages and family structures. For couples in Singapore’s diverse, multicultural context, therapy explores culture-specific expectations (filial piety, multi-generational households, language norms) and tailors communication scripts accordingly. Respectful boundaries with extended family, financial priorities, and faith practices are integrated into shared meaning.
When GCT May Not Be the First Step
If there is ongoing intimate partner violence, coercive control, or acute safety concerns, individual support and safety planning come first. Once safety is established, couples work may be reconsidered. Substance misuse, severe mood instability, or untreated trauma may also call for stabilisation alongside or prior to couples sessions.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take? Many couples notice shifts within 6–8 sessions; others prefer a longer arc for deeper patterns. Your goals and pace guide the plan.
What if my partner won’t come? Individual sessions can still improve dynamics—by changing your side of the pattern (boundaries, repairs, calm start-ups), the system often shifts.
Is GCT only about communication? No. It’s also about friendship, trust, shared meaning, and fair conflict—communication is the vehicle, not the whole journey.
Does GCT work alongside individual therapy? Yes. Many couples combine both for the best results.
Working with Psychology Blossom
At Psychology Blossom, our clinicians apply evidence-based Gottman tools with warmth and practicality. We start with a thorough assessment, share clear feedback, and co-create a roadmap that fits your culture and season of life. Sessions blend skills practice with real conversations so changes are felt at home, not just understood in theory.
Our Clinical Psychologist Claudia Doig often helps couples using the GCT method. If you think GCT could help you with your relationship, do reach out to us at 8800 0554 today!
You and your partner may feel uncomfortable initially as some changes in interaction explored during therapy sessions may seem forced and unnatural. You may also feel uncertain as you are not motivated from within, but rather acting out of your comfort zone. However, do not give up. The effort, energy and time placed into therapy would not only strengthen your relationship, but also grow the both of you into a more fulfilled version of yourselves.
Everyone Deserves to Blossom.
We recommend This Video to those who wants to learn more about Gottman Method.
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